[reposting and quoting]
From page 100 of Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood"

“… So I made up my mind I was going to find someone who would love me unconditionally three hundred and sixty-five days a year. I was still in elementary school at that time — fifth or sixth grade — but I made up my mind once and for all.”

“Wow,” I said. “And did your search pay off?”

“That’s the hard part,” said Midori. She watched the rising smoke for a while, thinking. “I guess I’ve been waiting so long I’m looking for perfection. That makes it tough.“

“Waiting for the perfect love?”

“No, even I know better than that. I’m looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you’re doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don’t want it anymore and throw it out the window. That’s what I’m looking for.”

“I’m not sure that has anything to do with love,” I said with some amazement.

“It does,” she said. “You just don’t know it. There are times in a girl’s life when things like that are incredibly important.”

“Things like throwing strawberry shortcake out the window?”

“Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. ‘Now I see, Midori. What a fool I’ve been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortcake. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I’ll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?’”

“So then what.”

“So then I’d give him all the love he deserves for what he’s done.”

i just had this complete and absolute realization that i will never co-exist with you. in harmony. with rainbows and butterflies. it disappoints me that you are this completely different person when you talk to me through gadgets and cyberspace and become this total jackass when im in front of you. i try to justify it sometimes because i make excuses for all things bullshit just so i can get a pretty picture out of it cos it is important to me that we become friends at the least, for katie. but no. this is just who you will ever be. and sadly, you will never change.

and im done.

wow, this blog just hit the five year mark.
five years huh, amazing.
i tried to go through my old entries and went "Gad when did i get so sappy, boring and incoherent?"
but you know, this old friend of mine, has always been there for me. mostly for bitching purposes. also for emo-ing and yes, a lot of senseless brainfarts.
i am like, the biggest nostalgic slush in the world. and i write to remember.
so despite my endless ruminations and babbling about life in my 20's, how careless i am with my heart and money and my dirty mouth, i can still go back and reminisce on them and painfully say "awww, look at that..."

but sadly, i still cannot change my lj name. which really frustrates me because i don't ever wanna abandon this journal and will probably never get over these memories posted in here. but this does not necessarily mean that i havent grown into something better, or matured or learned anything. i just wanna change the stupid lj name gaddamnit. "wickedme" what da hell. im no longer the wicked one. better times have come and i think i have outgrown a lot of childish issues i used to have. so, i have no choice but to stick with the damn name. and instead, i got a new theme (i know the color is so blah but i want it that way shut up) and put up a picture of my favorite scene from my favorite flick. but i think nobody really gives a crap why am i making such a huge deal outta this?! and im deviating from the real topic of celebrating my BLOG'S 5TH BIRFDAY HOOWEEE!
Happy 5th Anniversary Wikkid Wikkid Livejournalz!



P.S. But srsly, does anybody still read my shit? Lol.

Can I just say, 2009 what a year?! And its only the first quarter whut?! I have so much to tell, but ive lost my mojo (in writing). I have neglected this stupid emo blog and went to this place called passive aggressiville. Also, i have been too busy maneuvering one too many things at a time that I dont get to go to my zone and just, ponder and question like i always do.

You know how I have this tendency to always sound cryptic or over-generalize things just to play it safe or play your minds? It still might be the case. I hate it myself but I can't really do anything about it. Sometimes a little mystery is kinda nice. And I can never go overboard with the details. Not my style really.

So first of all, last year, I already said, ratty and prevailing, and ended in ellipses.
And the ellipses, as the new year begins, turns out to be open windows to a new and (hopefully) improved version of me.
I have finally put an end to THE vicious cycle.
Little by little discharging myself from last year's relentless soul-searching which mostly resorts to binge drinking (which some friends refer to as "alcoholism"). Not entirely true.
A rude awakening that made me realize how much I have taken my mother for granted that I'm sure will be the start of a better relationship with her (FYI, I love my mom to death).
And yes, LOVE LOST and LOVE FOUND. True story.

Sometimes, it still feels like running away. Running away without cleaning up the mess you have left behind. Running away without taking with you those pieces that has been chipped off of you from all those years of being a coward. But it feels good to run away from your safe zone. I have been there far too long that it blotted out the future. When the time comes that you doubt your so-called happiness, when you realize you don't know yourself anymore, thats the time you "run away", unbridled. It's one of those things that you know, just happens. It happens in between, when you're not looking. And you can't not do anything about it.

So, the question is, where do I go from here?

I get my shit together and make things happen. I take what I have and face each tomorrow headstrong, fearless, guns blazing. I'm still unsure about a lot of things. Most of the time I still doubt myself and the decisions I make. But I got here on my own terms and I'm embracing reality. There are good times and some things are just meant to be broken. That is contrast. That's how life is.

And oh, no more dwelling on mistakes, just learning.

This has been posted many times already. But because there's something to be said about the circumstances...

The One That Got Away
by Tre Taylor

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with …and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.

It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will. The day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single… but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You’ll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?"

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you’ll have in your life.
If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that if you’re already with the one you’re with, that this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.
But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow. And it would be a great feeling, if in the end, you’d be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away."

Alright alright, I, for days now, have been itching to do this. Rummaging my thoughts from a sea of endless babbling and asking if i should i put it out there. How 2008 has become, as the Chinese calendar says "Year of the Rat" for yours truly. Rats are messy, quick and sneaky. And I have been ratty for the whole year I think. Which clearly says, nothing about '08 from Kat's perspective is blogworthy. But I love how a new year gives you a feeling of obligation that you have to go over the places you've been and the tribulations you went through so you can enclose it in a chapter and go back for nostalgic purposes and making sure you haven't done that mistake yet. I am a bookmark person so yeah, here it is.

Ok wait. I cannot think straight for the life of me. Please give me a little more time to actually sober up, organize my thoughts and muster up enough courage to give you the 411 on the year that was. If that will ever happen. Meanwhile, im gonna let Baz Luhrmann do the talking for me, for now. Heh. Sry. I am a little incoherent right now so.

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

by Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience… I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

I want to blog about YOU.







but i can't.

Dear Growing Beer Belly,

I know that I have been taking you for granted since time immemorial. From way back 2004, when you started a rumor where I worked that I was 6 months pregnant because I have been drinking everyday till' the time I bore a child for reals in 2006 and had to wear girdles and put my baby-tees up in a garage sale so I can buy long t-shirts and hoodies that will hide you from the world, I know I have been indifferent.

I want to know how you are feeling towards me. If you have been depressed that I am still not giving up the carbonated drinks and that I am starting to drink beer everyday again. I want to know what life's been like, for you.


You probably reminisce those times when I used to blog about doing 100 crunches everyday, start some sort of a water therapy and reach for my ultimate dream of having Gwen Stefani abs. And now I have disappointed you. Or maybe even led you to hating me because you are growing so fast. Everyday when i wake up, Im looking more and more like a lampshade.

And to make things worse, I have never been this "takaw" with rice. I love rice more than ever now, I eat it like 5 times a day I can't even explain it.

I don't know, growing beer belly, you see, I am in this point where I am sure that I will never get the old you back, like when I used to wear low-rider jeans and was this close to getting a tattoo on my "love-handles".
But it's too late now isn't it? Now the only hope of me getting to wear a two-piece and show off my midriffs is if I go to this Vicki Belo character and get my tummy tucked.sucked.Whatever.

I don't blame you, growing beer belly. Because I have been neglectful and stupid and insensitive to your feelings. But I do hope, and I mean reaaaally hope and wish that you'd give me a second chance so we can rekindle that fabulous relationship we used to have when I was so proud of you and vice-versa.

Please let me know if you're not mad at me anymore so I could start quitting drinking with my evil friends who actually just influenced me I hate them so much they're such losers. And you know so well that my loyalty stays with you. I miss you, my old belly. Come back to me.


I remain,
Katboi

Happy Birthday My Love :)

Basically, the premise is simple: Share the different names that different people call you:

Kat - The shortest most common, acceptable nickname everbody who is not in my bloodline call me. This actually started in 3rd year highschool when I so desperately struggled to erase my past (freshman & sophomore high) and "started over" because I was famously known and called by my last name which is....

Pante - so we all know how unfortunately funneh my surname is (sorry grandpa, may you rest in peace). Everday in elementary school I had to endure the ridicule i was automatically subjected to because of this which went on until 2nd year highschool. So every single classmate & teacher of mine from these years call me by my last name. (can you just imagine what my brother had to go through? LOLz.)


Katrina - the parental units call me this when I did something bad or if i was to be grounded/punished/spanked in the butt. (Don't they all? I do the same with my daughter). And for some weird reason, my friends' boyfriends and other boys are much happier calling me Katrina (e.g. Nino, Butsoy, Jeff, George, Lex) I don't know why.

Niña - so basically if you are family, family friend, person I grew up with, Yakult vendor, neighbors from Pasig and our village, you call me this. Why and where did this name come from? Its on my baptismal certificate, so it is kind of my 2nd name.

Ate - you call me this if you are my younger sibling/cousin/family friend or house help.

Miss, Hi Miss, Pssst - this is what I go by borne of the urban commute, random walking on sidewalks, or driving with the windows open from tricyle/jeepney/truck drivers, construction workers, istambays, jologs highschool/college douchebags which usually brings me to a bitch fit.

"Hi Baby" - You once called me this when you were walking at the Eastwood premises, and you run into me, greets me in the face, except that you are a total stranger and you are a total pervert. So you got punched in the face, by woman you so confidently called "Baby".


There, but as you know, that bitch we call a Kat by any other name would still be a bitch. Heh. So what names do you go by?

This is Wednesday, October 15 2008 :)

( Spent at home )

The stupidest thing you can do is to use the first atm machine you see at the mall ignoring that little voice inside your head saying "this is a totally unknown bank don't do it little girl", stick your atm card in, withdraw all of your cash to pay your credit card bill which is due tomfuckingmorrow

and you wait for 3 long minutes.
and you look at the atm monitor.
and it says "dispenser error"

you panic.
do an account balance check.

and all your money goes kaput.

so you call the stupid number(they have customer service whew!) of the friggin' unknown bank.
and you realize it's a friday and the person on the other line tells you "sorry but you're gonna have to call again on monday when we get the report."

and the next payday is in 7 days.

you are definitely deadmeatz.
what a dumb.

So i am on my way home from a very long, exhausting and chaotic day at the office. Trying hard to ignore the thought of how such a drag it is to commute. I ride an FX, saw that the middle seat is empty so i happily boarded the vehicle. This woman hails the FX and decides to take the middle seat too, beside yours truly. Unfortunately for her, i had to go first and since public AUVs in the Philippines have their left door locks disabled/removed/whatever, woman beside me has to go down so i can get out. In the most polite of manners I could ever deliver, i said to woman beside me "excuse po". (Take note that woman looks the same age as mine). I immediately noticed an obvious display of annoyance from woman, but because im just too excited to go home, i tried to ignore it. So woman opened the FX door as "todo" as possible and got out. She kind of stepped to the right side of the door but i inadvertently exited towards the right side too, causing our bodies to collide (softly). Being the polite girl my mother raised me as, I said to woman: "Thank you." With a smile. With a smile!!! And because she had to take 2 unnecessary extra steps to board the vehicle, she reciprocated my unnecessary refined manners (because i am not supposed to thank her for giving way cos you are in a fucking public transportation you have to give way to your co-passengers for crying out loud!) by saying to my face: "Tsk! Jusko ko naman!". But because i am not in the best of moods to put up with people's shit today, i choose to ignore primitive woman's behavior towards a total polite stranger. But in my head as I look at the fx wheeling away, I wanted to slaughter the woman.

After this incident with woman of uncouth behavior, I went to get some groceries. (Take note that I am in the state of mind of a serial killer.)
While in the instant noodles section, this woman was grabbing shitloads of noodles from the top shelf. Realizing that she is kind of blocking my reach of the Lucky Me (beef flavor) instant noodles, I again, politely excused myself so i could get some. I think she didn't notice i was there at all as she was very busy with her business. So in the process of grabbing the merchandise off the shelf to put it in her cart, she accidentally hit my shoulder with her elbow. It didn't hurt, but she was totally apologetic that she repeatedly said sorry while rubbing my shoulder asking me if i was ok. So I said "it's ok". With a smile.
I am no longer in a serial killer's state of mind.

It is kind of amazing how total strangers have the power to ruin your spirits, change your entire mood almost instantaneously or your outlook in life
(why not?)XD

I swear to God the Father, OFFICE GOSSIP is teh shizzz! It is the highlight of my day, really.

From the first hit on google keywording "office gossip."

Recognize that gossip is a universal human behaviour that we all engage in, and which serves a functional purpose for employees and organizations. Remember, many of us spend more time with our work colleagues than with our own families and that idle gossip sometimes helps to cement the bonds of collegiality.


Damn straight.

Let me make this entry a resurgence to the last statement in my previous post establishing that I am of character that spawned from evil forces.

However, in the series of events that led me to this very moment of blogging with feelings of repugnance towards the other character involved, I would like to take back my statement and instead step down from my throne and pass the tiara to her because i have come to a complete realization that she deserves the recognition of being given the title: The Queen Bitch.

So what does this mean? And what does that make me?

The answer is. I don't know. But all I know is, doing the right thing does not make you a bitch. Whatever word you can come up with to sum that up, I don't care. Whutev.
I just could not believe that after all of the shit this bitch has been putting me through, I fucking covered her ass to save her diabolical ass for chrissakes!
I had to lie to the bosses to save her arse so she can keep her immaculate record of being the best goddamn manager in the history of call centers.

Why the hell, are you a stupid piece of chicken shit?!

So of course I thought about that right away (and I meant a little voice inside my head saying "what in the name of moronic science are you doing?"). And thanks to my manager who had to zap me out from that evil spell she put on me so I can do the right thing and save the world.

So i eventually had to admit to the big boss that ' i'm sorry I wasn't completely honest with you earlier' but i am here now to do the right thing and tell you the real story.

So what's the ending of this story. I don't know. But she seems to still be reigning her little kingdom of dead kids pushing them around like an old homeless man's grocery cart full of garbage. Either that or deep inside she is a wilting weeping willow. Or maybe not. Because people like that, they don't change overnight. They have to die first and be reborn before they can change. (figuratively speaking of course)

It's just really depressing, that the people who have the key positions are mostly ones who don't deserve their seats. Having worked in the BPO industry for 5 years now, there are only a handful of people managers i have come to know who really deserve their jobs. Sometimes I think that the only acceptable reason that these maggots get to be where they are is tenure. But most of the time, fuck tenure. If you are the Tiger Woods in the field of ass-kissing and self-selling and somehow finding some stupefying connections/relationships with the big bosses using the six degrees of separation, you are sure to get it, I tell ya. So, that or, you're just one lucky duck I guess.

I have many friends that I know deserve to get off the phones. Many friends that I know can speak better english and can actually motivate colleagues without talking numbers and monetary rewards and free 18-inch pizzas from Yellowcab. So on that note, I guess I will never be manager. But is ok because I am happy where i am, looking up on them evil peoples. Because while they are stressing, obsessing, scheming and plotting murders. I am doing the right thing. I make Jesus proud, yes? Thank you.

It's 6am, im eating chocolate cupcakes with pepsi while watching the tracey fragments from my laptop. In between replying to the text messages of people greeting me, i am subconcsiously planning my entire day and pondering about what i have become in my 26 years of existence.


What.Im not gonna waste lj space on drama what the hell!
Let me just say that today, i am older, probably wiser, and my birthday resolution is to eat eat and eat more!


Thank you for remembering peoples!

Except when were in the discussions of anything concerning our little girl, we were never in the same room, same page, same thought cloud.


Nine times out of ten. And im not sure if he knows that...

What's weird is that, i tend to enjoy movies more when i see it on cable. I have a pirated copy of "The Holiday" lying around the house and i never found out how it ended cos it was somewhat dragging for me. Probably the first time i ever accused a film as boring with Jude fucking Law in it. But i didnt realize how nice the story was until i chanced upon it on HBO.


My Mom at the back while I was cursing
Me: "Ang gwapo talaga ni Jude Law tangina!"
Mom: "Oo nga! Sino ba yan?"
Me: "Ma, Jude Law di mo alam ano ka baaaa!"
Mom: "Ang gwapo nga."


Heh.
So with that, let me leave you with my favorite quote from the film.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

No I will not blog about what just transpired last night.


Except that I think Marah drove the car from Ortigas to Cainta on goddamn handbrake.
But i do not have any right whatsoever to make it a laughing matter because i owe her shitloads.


Thanks Marahboi. Tangina, the things you put up with me and my crazy life!


Oh yes, I have a crazy crazy life.

Keanu Reeves can't act for shit.
Watch his films, ignore his perfect skin and perfect bone structure and observe:
Can he act for realz?

Nah uh.

But it doesnt really matter, does it? As he remains a big draw at the box office.
So screw the acting part 'cause "You too could be up here onscreen if only you looked like this."

Bleck.